Wednesday, September 16, 2009

How to Potty Train for The Complete Lazy Ass

I make no bones about it. I am lazy. Not extremely lazy. I mean, my house, for the most part is at least presentable. My kids are well cared for and happy. However, there was one thing that was completely dogging me. KiKi up until this past week was not potty trained. Thanks to that I have come up with a fool proof method for potty training a three year old when that is the last thing you really want to do.

1. Buy underwear.
2. Make half assed attempt at potty training 6 months before you really want your child potty trained. After two accidents in one day, give up and resort to diapers. I mean, who really wants to clean pee out of the carpets anyway, right?
3. Make another half assed attempt to potty train when your parents come to visit. Resort to diapers because you are out of the house entirely too much and public toilets aren't always available.
4. Make another half assed attempt a month later. We only have a month until school starts, panic.
5. Declare child completely untrainable. Wash your hands of it.
6. Week before nursery school starts panic. They don't allow diapers, but are willing to help in potty training. OH NO I DON'T WANT THE ONLY KID WHO STILL HAS ACCIDENTS ALL THE TIME!!!!
7. Thursday before nursery school starts, start actually potty training. Pull up diapers are only for naps and bedtime. Have a million accidents over the next 4 days.
8. Start nursery school. Pray. Send child in underwear with 2 sets of new underwear and two pairs of spare trousers.
9. Sigh of relief only one accident first day of school, then a million accidents when you get home.
10. Send child to school. No accidents at school. Half a million accidents at home.
11. Send child to school third day. No accidents at school, one accident at home.
12. Send child to school Friday, no accidents. At home no accidents.
13. No accidents all weekend.
14. Declare child potty trained!

And that, my friends, is how to potty train when you are a complete lazy ass like me. Oh and I am totally not making any of it up or exaggerating. Believe me, five accidents in one day feels like a million.

28 comments:

Brit in Bosnia / Fraught Mummy said...

Kat from hereon known as Gina Ford.

Go Kiki! What a little star.

A Mom on Spin said...

And how do you housetrain dogs if they never go to school?

Tawny said...

Sounds like a great way to do it to me. No fuss, quick and painless.

Aunt Juicebox said...

My ex-friend used to potty train her youngest son by letting him run naked around the house, and poop right on the floor. I'd rather clean up pee than poop.

Michele said...

This is exactly how I potty trained my youngest. Let the school do it. I like to think of it working smarter not harder.

Mwa said...

I did exactly that when my son was two and a half and needed to go to school. It's the sensible way. :-)

Missy said...

Sounds about right to me. Hey whatever works.

Missy

Badass Geek said...

I wasn't potty trained until I was five. Be thankful. =)

Very Bored Housewife said...

Yay! I have adopted pretty much the same strategy, 3 days at school and only 1 accident so far.

Jess said...

I like your style!!! I will write that down for when I need to potty train.

honeywine said...

Doesn't it kill you when they'll do it elsewhere but not at home. Grrr... Don't feel too lazy. I've known a couple of people who "trained" for months and the child was 4 and still not completely trained.

American in Britain said...

with our older one, we thought we pushed it too hard too early. She was 18 months and was just not interested. She continued in pull-ups until way past 3.

Our second one wanted nothing to do with pull-ups. She was 2 (we decided not to start too young). We had several accidents, only because she would tell us she needed to go 5 seconds before she went (and we were in a car driving and she didn't go when we told her to go before we got in). Thankfully, she seemed to grasp the concept much more quickly than her sister.

Jenni said...

I'm totally using this method. I've already rocked steps one an two. :)

Sprite's Keeper said...

Help me! Sprite is doing just fine with number one, but we can't seem to nail number two!!!

for a different kind of girl said...

Kudos to Kiki! I know how never-wracking this can be, and lord knows I do not miss the surprises when the worst kind of accidents would crop up! Before our youngest children started preschool, my best friend and I - rather than spend this time helping train our children to use the bathroom - would talk for HOURS on the phone about how our kids would be kicked out of preschool because they'd still be in diapers and we couldn't hide that fact from an observant preschool teacher who noticed the child's diaper-padded butt waddling through the room. Seriously. Every day we would do this. I honestly think our kids gave up on us and just went in and taught themselves!

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

Oh how I can relate to this...that's pretty much how I potty trained Princess Nagger. Except that she didn't go to nursery school. No wonder it took longer than expected. ;)

And ROTFLMAO at A Mom on Spin's comment - I wanna know, too!! :)

Jen said...

I like this and will consider this method as soon I have 3 little ones to train.

Miss Grace said...

I used the laziest potty training method of all, which was LET HIS DAYCARE PROVIDER POTTY TRAIN HIM. Worked great.

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

I'm screwed then. We have potty training going on (reward for pee in potty M&M's), we have underwear (they have animals!) but the Chick doesn't go to school. Crap. New I did something wrong...

Captain Dumbass said...

I see a book in this somewhere.

Erin@TheLocalsLoveIt said...

That would have been my way of doing it. But the husband decided we would do the 3 day method. It worked. At 2.5 he's fully potty trained. My husband wins the award this time.

Yaya said...

Lol!
Oh I know, I potty trained the 3 year old I nanny for this summer and when she had an accident it was like she unleashed the flood gates. What a mess. Then the 1 year old would inevitably come running through it and fall in it. Oy....

Big Mama Cass said...

Wow! Congrats!!! I am with Mom on a Spin... how do you do it with dogs?? lol

Marsha said...

That is absolutely hilarious!

Moonspun said...

definitely write a book and get Badass t take some pictures!

A Musing Mom (Taylorclan6) said...

I am sorry. I don't understand potty training in 6 months or less. We're still working on YEARS. Your post is offensive. And showy. And demeaning. And... okay, I'm just trying to shadow by own failure to have my children potty trained and an excuse for the smell that permeates certain rooms due to certain children hiding their underwear.

I'm starting to understand the phrase "anal retentive" in a new way.

I miss the me that had all the answers and freely gave of my wisdom to all. I was so smart before I kids.

Single Parent Dad said...

I fit your definition of lazy, and potty training has been the single most arduous task of my parenting experience.

We still have the occasional accident now.

I think I should have looked at subcontracting this work out, that would have been a better solution.

Raven said...

Sounds like about how I potty trained! I remember those days so well. My carpet smelled like pee forever!