Thursday, March 19, 2009

In Retrospect...I Was a Mess

Lately I have been feeling fabulous. No really. It is like someone has taken a set of jumper cables attached them to my butt and gave me a jolt of energy. I am happy. Very very happy. Although my family has faced many tragedies in the past couple of months, we have banded together and are healing together. That makes my heart happy. Thinking about it, I haven't been this happy or content with my life in a long time.

You guys wouldn't know this, but I was going though a bit of a personal rough patch about two years ago. KiKi was 6 months old, LaLa was 3 and I was tired. So so tired. Tired of everything. I was sick of my kids needing me twenty four hours a day, I was sick of my husband not being around when I needed help, I didn't want to do any house work, I didn't really want to hang out with my friends, and I was a pain in the ass to be around. I am pretty sure I was clinically depressed, but I didn't want to admit it. I made plenty of excuses for my behaviour too.

"If they would just give me an hour by myself" "If he just helped me out more around the house" "They are just too busy to hang out, I don't want to bother them" "I just need a good nap"

Yeah it was all excuses. I was completely full of crap. In retrospect I probably needed some professional help. I was just too stubborn to admit it. It almost ended up costing me my marriage. I was a pain to be around and I was picking fights with my husband left and right. Oh yeah, I was a treat to be around. We got to the point where we were sure we were going to get divorced and had pretty much divided all of our personal items and were trying to negotiate custody arrangements for the girls. It was a terrible situation. Finally we just decided that we couldn't go through with it. We loved each other and the girls too much. We just had to get back on track.

I am not sure how I turned the corner and got out of my funk, but I did. Things got better slowly. My husband and I started making more time for each other. Things are back to the way they should be. We are working together as a team and as a family. It is awesome.

Now I know what to look out for and know how bad depression can really be. I don't ever want to go back to that place, but if I do, I will seek professional help. I am not willing to make myself or my family go through that again. To those who stuck with me through that rough patch, thank you. Oh and if I ever get like that again, kick my ass and tell me to go to the doctor. Seriously.

25 comments:

Badass Geek said...

It is always hard to admit to oneself that there is a problem. Even though I knew I was falling apart from my anxiety, I tried to get through it on my own.

Its better to seek help and get back up slowly than to ignore it and stay down.

mo.stoneskin said...

Mind lending me those jump leads? I can relate, my wife had months and months of complications following our first child and the wear 'n' tear of hospitals, stress, lack of sleep really took its toll. Only just feeling normal again.

Chris said...

Wow. That sounds exactly like me right now. Thanks for this post, Kat.

dragonesque said...

Glad to see you're back on track and are realising the wonderful success you've had in getting to this stage. Well done!
I'm very similar in that I know when I am in a bad way but don't admit it even to myself until I am coming out the other side - not the best way of dealing but it's wonderful to have family, friends and professionals available should you ever need that ass kicking ;o)

Sprite's Keeper said...

Glad things are going so well for you now! I think the fact that you were able to recognize there was a problem is half the battle.

Joanie said...

The problem with depression is, you don't know you're in a depression when you're in it!
I've been battling it on and off for years. When I'm in it, I don't give a shit and the house goes to pot and everything. Because I just don't care. Then I have to force myself to get up and get stuff done.

Single Parent Dad said...

I am delighted that you are 'where' you are at now, even if things weren't great in the past. Thanks for sharing.

honeywine said...

The hardest part to read of that was how no one else around you seemed to pick up on it. :(

Cammie said...

SO glad you are feeling better. Do you think you had PPD? Sounds a lot like how I was feeling after I had my first baby....it was a miserable place to be.

BiblioMom said...

BRAVO!!!!

Reading this made me so proud of you. Not that it really matters how some strange girl in Wisconsin feels I just thought I'd let you know that. It's so important to take the stigma out of mental illness and in particular depression.

There was a period in my life when I was depressed. My marriage was a mess. I was a parent to a small child and working full time and dealing with my mother's slow and painful death. Luckily my physician noticed it and put me on an antidepressant and I started seeing a counselor. Those two things gave me strength to leave my marriage even though I had just given birth to my youngest 2 months prior and lost my Mom. I'm a much stronger person now. I'm a great Mom. I'm happy. I'm no longer on antidepressants but if I needed to. If I found myself crying again while filling my van up with gas for no apparent reason other than profound sadness. I would do so in a heartbeat.

Thank you again for such a wonderful post!

Miss Grace said...

But I'm so glad that you're happy now! That's wonderful.

Michelle said...

Good for you Kat! Great perspective.

Cape Cod Gal said...

Good for you. I've never been through that much craziness, but sometimes I get really down. I know that it is necessary for me to get away from everyone for a few hours and just breathe. Recognition is the first step to solving it all.

If I ever catch a whiff of depression from your blog you can be sure I'll be poking you. Glad you're so happy now!!!

Mama Dawg said...

Wow. Good for you for recognizing what it was and that you and the hubby COULD work through it. More power to you.

Sammanthia said...

I love you for this post.

Kim Hightower said...

I too went through a hard time in my marriage, and I know how utterly heartbreaking it can be. But, I also know how truly happy one can be when you come out on top and find that love all over again. Not only does it make you stronger as a person but also stronger as a family. Keep your head up and those jumper cables hooked to your butt, you are a kick ass mommy, wife and blogger (at least from what I can read) :)

Captain Dumbass said...

Best thing I ever did was to go and see a therapist. Took someone beating me over the head with a stick to do it, but it worked. In retrospect, maybe the constant head trauma was the cause...

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

Good for you! I am so glad to hear that things are going so well for you right now. But I am sorry to hear about that rough patch. I have certainly been there before! It's great for you to be so aware of your feelings now so that you know when to seek help next time too!

for a different kind of girl said...

truth be told, I think I'm walking on the fringes of where you were for the past couple of months, and have some work to do. a lot of work to do.

I'm glad you've turned that corner and are in a really strong place as an individual and as a family!

Jen said...

That is really awesome that you worked it all out.

notfromaroundhere said...

Depression is such a difficult thing to understand and to manage; it makes us want to isolate ourselves from the people who could help us out of it. I finally got help but only after moving countries and displacing myself from anyone I knew who could have helped me. And as you note, you're more aware after the first time it happens, and you can take steps to try and step out of it or at least not sink into it. But I found the therapists in Britain to be quite good, so if you ever need help....

Abby Quijano said...

I'm glad you got through the rocky part of your life and I hope that you continue to be happy! :}

It's nice to know that bad times will always have good times in the end !

thanks for sharing !

Lola said...

PPD, maybe? If that was the only time you experienced feeling like that, it sounds pretty classic.

I can't say I've ever been really depressed before, but the first four months after my son was born and he was crying non-stop all day, every day, brought me very close to the edge. Running away seemed like the right thing to do most days.

I'm so glad you're happy now!

The Stiletto Mom said...

I look back at how I was when my kids were that age and I am horrified. It's amazing how getting past that point can help your mental state.

And yes...if you ever get there again, I'll cash in some miles and come kick your ass. But you'll have to agree to buy me a pint. Deal?

splodge said...

You ARE fabulous - glad you're feeling great now. Being a mother and wife can be very tiring.

It's so difficult to be so honest and write about things like this.

I never thought of using jump cables on my butt - will let you know if they work.