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Monday, September 6, 2010

Who is in Control?

Every parent has had that moment where their child is acting so badly that they want to melt into the floor and disappear. I know I certainly have, in the middle of a McDonald's in London. Children have their good days and their bad days, and well, don't you ever have an "off" day? Hell, I was having an "off" day this morning when I woke up with too little sleep, no caffeine in the entire house and I knew that I had promised my children that I would spend the morning at their school for "Share Day". All I really was going to be sharing with the rest of the people around me was my piss poor attitude; apologies to those who were subjected to it.

Kids are allowed to have a bad day. However, I wonder at what point do you said "Right, enough is enough with your behavior, we're going home," to your child? Is it at the point where it is just mildly annoying to you? Do you wait until it is affecting those around you? Do you ever just say, "Eh, kids will be kids," and let them continue running amok? Have you ever had your child hit or shout at you in public?

I am of the thought that if it is annoying me, then it is annoying those around me and needs to stop. Of course I have flexibility, to an extent. I am not some sort of drill sergeant barking out orders to my kids in the middle of the grocery store. Yes, my kids have taken off running down the aisles, but they have been promptly reprimanded for their actions. I am also my harshest critic when it comes to disciplining my own children. I second guess myself all the time. Was I too harsh? Was I too soft? At least I know I am trying. I guess, I just don't understand parents who let their children get away with causing chaos in public.

In the last week I have gone out shopping and more than once seen children just being horrible and their parents not even noticing. They just ignored it. I am sorry but, get your kids under control so I can shop in peace. I, for once, didn't have my children in tow. Frankly, I didn't feel like enduring badly behaved children. Now, I know that might sound horrible on my part. To be fair though, I usually can ignore children whilst I am out and about. They are usually no more than background noise. I am a mother though.

What I worry about is how this affects the people around us who don't have children or people have grown children and don't necessarily find your children as adorable as you do. As it is, I have sometimes found some places the UK less than welcoming to children. This is of course in comparison to the US where public places almost beg you to bring your children along. I can't help to fret with the state of discipline being what it is right now, both in the US and the UK, with parents tending to want to be their child's friend rather than their parent, that public places and shops are going to become even less accommodating toward parents. That would be a shame, wouldn't it?

Comments (15)

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100% in agreement, Our job is to parent first and be a mate second! When the kids annoy then they get a warning and then off home. Many of my friends think I am too tough but I am fair and there is lots of praise when it is due.

Mich x
I was attempting to have a quick business meeting in a cafe the other day and my 2-year-old decided to throw a huge shit fit in front of my client. Luckily my client was very understanding, and brilliant with her, which made it soooo much easier. I'm very firm with her at home, but you can't always apply the same techniques when you're out. When I strapped the toddler back in the pushchair she started screaming like a maniac. My Mum training kicked in, and I just blocked her out, and it wasn't until I noticed the next table turning around that I really realised just how much noise she was making, and how annoying it must have been for them trying to enjoy a peaceful cup of coffee!! So I called the meeting short, and left. I always try to strike the right balance between getting on with my own life, tantrumming todder in tow, and respecting other people's right to a bit of peace and quiet. I hope I get it right, at least some of the time!! xxx
I'm with you... I always feel that if my daughter is annoying me, and I love her, I can only imagine what she's like to others. She's generally always been pretty well behaved, but I have on occasion physically removed her from places where she's not acting appropriately and is not listening to me or her dad. (She's old enough now that she knows "the look" from me can mean trouble for her if she doesn't smarten up.) I guess that is the key, having them learn about acting appropriately for the situation/venue that they are in. It is hard. It means that, as parents, we sometimes have to miss out on something that we want to do or leave somewhere that we want to be. Suck it up, folks. You're parents now, so life is very, very different!!
I have a niece and nephew that run amok, their parents (hubby's brother and his wife) don't discipline. They throw around idle threats, but the kids learned very early that they really didn't have to face consequences. I spend as little time with them as possible, which is pretty sad, since they are family. The kids are bad enough, but listening to their mother screech at them and then screech at her husband to do something about them (as she rarely gets off her ample butt...) is even more annoying.
I will be curious to see the debate that comes up here, though, and other's thoughts on this . . .
Totally with you. I get really embarrassed if mine act up in public.

A friend of mine was in a local playcentre once where two kids kept running up the slides. The staff kept asking them to stop but they wouldn't. Eventually, they went to the mother and said "Please stop your children doing that" and she turned round and said, "That's not my job, that's your job". I'd have shown her the door at that point...
I'm considered to be quite the archaic dragon when it comes to this sort of thing, because people who know me seem to think I'm very strict with my son. I think that I'm actually all too lenient and I second guess myself constantly. Who knows? I often think he's been quite naughty but will then have someone tell me how well behaved they thought he was. I tell them that he's for sale if they're interested.

I do think though that sometimes people can expect too much of young children, be it the parents dragging them out on super-long, boring shopping trips and expecting them to be able to behave for the entire time, or be it those who complain about the most innocuous behaviour (like the lady who yelled at my son recently for chasing a couple of pigeons in the park). We generally set a time limit for activities that are not child friendly, such as shopping, or make the time to break for ice cream and pigeon chasing, because I know his behaviour will begin to deteriorate.

I agree with you on the UK not being very welcoming for children, but I honestly never though that the U.S. was all that much better. Germany, though, is lovely for children in so many ways, I really enjoy raising my son there.
I am SO aware of how other people are feeling with regard to my kids, that it sometimes spoils my own enjoyment. On Friday night we went out for a meal. We were all laughing and joking, which some other diners clearly thought was great (you know, a family WITH TEENS, all having a laff) however, they were getting louder and louder and I was beside myself reminding them of other diners. Lighten up EPM.
Mellodee626's avatar

Mellodee626 · 760 weeks ago

I understand that the vast majority of parents try to do their very best for their kids. But the parents have to set realistic expectations of their children. For instance taking a two year old to a "business" meeting, is probably not going to be successful for the mom, the child, or the client. Two year olds, are just one step away from still being babies. It isn't realistic to expect them to "behave" when mom's attention is elsewhere. As for disturbing others, I always feel empathetic when a mom is struggling with a child in the middle of a meltdown. We've all been there more than once. Those that don't get my empathy are the ones who ignore their kids, those who overreact, those who belittle or demean their own children. The bottom line is that both kids and parent have bad days and each of us has to cope with that as best we can. Parenthood is not always easy!
DBrown6866's avatar

DBrown6866 · 760 weeks ago

As a frequent traveler, I find myself always surrounded by crying children, children kicking my seat, or just plain talking too much. While I understand being stuck in a pressurized metal tube flying at 500mph is not easy for a young child, allowing to your child (and I'm not just referring to infants) to scream like a banshee is not pleasant for anyone. Older kids are no better. I sat in an airport when an exasperated young lady decides to just let this long and drawn out sigh in my face. Her mother did nothing. Had I not been in an airport, I might've disciplined the child myself.

Although I'm not a parent, I have helped to raise a child. It's not an easy job, but manners begin at home. Giving a child what he wants when he cries negatively reinforces the child to continue crying to get what he wants. Save those around you by rewarding positive behavior.
1 reply · active less than 1 minute ago
Crying children on a plane are really hard to deal with, for the parents as well. My daughter typically doesn't throw tantrums in public and is usually easily disciplined but on planes the air pressure/ear thing turns her into a monster and I struggle to stop her from crying for at least part of the flight.

Endless distractions, snacks, drinks etc work fine to a point but being strapped to me whilst simultaneously having earache seems to be the worst possible scenario for her and the main problem on the plane is the lack of space which makes it difficult for me to 'remove her' from the situation to give the other travellers a break. I know only too well how irritating it is for other passengers - its irritating and wearing for the parents too, especially when a hitherto well behaved and pleasant 18 month old loses it.
I'm with you and all the others that responded. I would always tell my husband, who thought our kids could do no wrong, that ABSOLUTELY NO ONE thought our kids were as cute/special/talented/attractive as we did, and we, therefore, did not have any business letting our kids infringe on other's peace when visiting or out in public.

My tolerance for misbehavior was reached the minute they started acting up, and they were not allowed to run amuk, throw tantrums, have meltdowns. I knew what to do to avoid such situations like regular naps, consistent bed times, snacks, etc. I don't mean I never had problems or miscalculated what they could tolerate. They had their moments and I had many times of frustration. But not one of my 5 kids ever threw a tantrum in public or had a meltdown.

We're bigger than they are, and it seems to me that we should be in charge, not them.
Funny that you wrote this the day after I endured 2.5 hours on a plane getting kicked periodically by a sleepy kid sprawled out across the middle seat and onto his mother's seat on the aisle (I was on the window). Yes I could see the kid was tired but I also kept thinking "can't I pay extra to guarantee a flight free of getting kicked?" You know I love your kids but it's certainly true that as a child-free person I feel more times than not that people (aside from you, of course!) do not pay enough attention to the people around their kids compared to the attention they pay to their kids. I never even got an apology or comment of any sort, just overheard the mom saying to the kid over and over "You can't kick the lady, move your feet" ... I'd love to know what you would have done in this instance!
I am very vigilant with keeping my children in line in public because I know when I am out in public alone I get easily annoyed by other people's children behaving badly. I have left many many times with my children when things were going badly, but there have been a few times when I have not for a variety of reasons. I often just play it off to those around me and say "Damn, I wish I could get away with that!" But I also have a special needs child who when younger threw fits and tantrums and screamed bloody murder when over or under stimulated. To not punish my other children we often stayed until I could not bare it any longer, he stopped, or I felt like I had been stared down enough. Parenting is tough, we all have our bad days, even the kids - I think each situation is different and tolerance goes a long way.
Is duct tape an option?
1 reply · active less than 1 minute ago
Duct tape is always an option ;)
All children need to learn restraint and manners. I find it so lacking today! Children running amok is not pleasant for anyone. And since we all have to share this world...we all should remember our manners. Be polite and be quiet. When I was a child, we knew there were different rules for us when we were in public and we best better follow them!
We were fair game to be disciplined by any adult at any time if we misbehaved.
It is time to go back to that!
Hugs
SueAnn

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