Friday, December 23, 2011

Kinda like Roto-rooter (or Dyno Rod)

I rarely go to the doctor. Mostly because I don't have time to be sick. So when it comes to "wellness checks" and such, those usually get forgotten about for years. However, this year I was forced to go to get my wellness checks due to my overwhelming desire not to have any more children. This baby factory is closed. I have been on the Mirena coil for the last 5 years and it has been wonderful (no this isn't a sponsored post or a review..well I guess it is a bit of a review if you count the fact that YAY no babies while I was on it!) However, it had reached the end of it's shelf life and I had to go to the doctor to discuss my birth control options. Joy of joy I just love taking about my girlie bits with strangers /sarcasm (and yet I don't mind writing about it...).

I am not actually writing this because of my decision of what to do about my birth control situation but because I actually had fun at my doctors appointments. You see, my regular doctor was out of town (aka. probably deployed) so I got pawned off to a civilian woman doctor and her gorgeous sidekick (her enlisted tech).

At my first visit I got called back to the exam room by Airman Gorgeous (that's what we're calling him now in our head) and he checked my personal information to make sure that I was the right patient. We kinda were joking and then he said "you would be surprised at the number of times we have called last names and then realized that we had the wrong person with the same last name" which is probably inappropriate to tell your patient as you're heading back to the exam room, but hey-ho. So when we get there he asks why I am there. Birth control. Yadda yadda. And then he proceeds to tell me all about his wife's birth control. At this point in my head I am dying laughing because I am pretty sure his wife would KILL him for divulging this kind of information to a stranger/patient. Then my doctor arrives. I was expecting a British doctor because most of the civilian doctors I have ran across on base have been British, but she was American. As we began talking I also realized that she must have been on of the authors of The Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbook as well. As we discussed my options she would name off all the side effects and complications. In my head I was wondering if she just wanted me to go with the au naturel method of conception, but then she just said "well, if it's not broke, don't fix it". So, she decided to replace the coil I had.

Fast forward a week. She told me I have a gorgeous cervix (why thank you!). And surprised me with a smear test (bugger!). Mind you I have absolutely no dignity now that I have had two children, so her feeling up my boobs for a cancer screen and being spread eagle for the work that needed to be done "down there" didn't bother me a bit. However I found it hysterical that she and I managed to have a half hour long conversation about my kids and some of the funny things that they have done, all whilst she would occasionally tell me to prepare myself for something to hurt. Best smear test I have ever had. At the end of the visit I didn't know if I should shake her hand, hug her or ask her to buy me dinner first next time.

Awkward.