Preface: My husband and I were sitting around one night, fooling around (not that kind of fooling around you pervs) and talking about dumb things that we did as teenagers. You would have thought my husband had been a drama geek in high school based on the following scenario that he preformed for me that night. Keep in mind that I gave all the characters their names because my husband used the names of some of our friends in the acting out of this little production, but also that I don’t condone underage drinking…well now, that I am a grown up… and a parent. I mean really is it a surprise to all of you guys that I used to raise a bit of hell in high school? Probably not. So here is The Man’s take on a group of drunk teens trying to sneak back into one of their houses. He portrayed the role of Joe. I was sitting on the couch laughing my butt off and he used me as a prop or extra cast mate (I am supposed to be Kelsey).
Main Character-Joe (Drunk)
Friend #1- Craig (Drunk)
Friend #2- Marcus (Sober)
Friend #3- Evan (Drunk)
Friend #4- Kelsey (Drunk)
Scene- Quiet suburban street. Joe and his friends walking home from a party, They are kind of loud and joking with each other until they reach Joe’s house. Then Joe gets quiet and starts speaking in a loud whisper. You know the kind of whisper you use when you are drunk but you are trying to be sneaky.
Joe- “Aye Aye! I got a plan. I think I can get to my cell phone that my mom confiscated earlier, but we got to sneak in.” Joe shoots looks at all the others in the group.
Joe gives Kelsey the evil eye.
Joe- “Shhhh. I’m serious guys. You know my mom stays up late, so we got to be really quiet. Hush Craig. I am talking here. I got a plan. Now here’s the plan,”
Joe drunkenly sways and makes some karate like movements to emphasis his point.
Joe-“Ok now..Marcus, your sober right? “ Joe Point at Marcus and sways a bit then catches his balance.
Joe-“Ok well you need to go sit in the truck, cause you are going to be our get away driver. What you don’t have a license? Crap.” Joe smacks his forehead in frustration. “Ok, well it looks like we are going to have to make our get away on foot. Shut up Evan! Geez, you guys I am trying to be quiet here. Do you want to get caught. You know my mom will call all your parents. Ok? Ok. Now what we have to do is make some sort of distraction. I am 85%, no wait, 90.9999999% positive that my mom is upstairs watching TV in the family room. So what we are going to have to do is sneak around back. Not yet Evan! Crap sorry guys, that was a little loud. Ok, so we need to sneak onto the back porch.”
Joe shoots Kelsey the Evil eye once again.
Joe-“Hush Kelsey, or you can go sit in the truck. Gawd. You guys are going to get us caught. Now my cell phone is in my mom’s dresser. Yes I know it is there Marcus. I saw her put it there when I got in trouble earlier. Top right drawer. Or was it the second drawer. Anyways , it is in her dresser. Aye! Shut up, it is there I swear!”
Joe makes a wide sweeping gesture and puts his hand over his heart like he is being extremely solemn.
Joe shoots Kelsey death daggers of hatred looks because she is interrupting his instructions once again.
Joe-“Kelsey go wait over there next to the truck. There is no way I am going to let your drunk ass get me in MORE trouble. Marcus go wait with her and make sure she doesn’t wander off alright. As I was saying…sneak onto porch. Then we need to take our shoes off so she won’t hear us. Remember, my dad is asleep in the bedroom where the phone is too. So we need to be really really, really really really quiet. Evan! Put your shoes back on. Geez you are gonna get your socks dirty and get it on my mom’s carpet. Yeah like then she won’t notice that we have been here, ya know, cause she won’t see big old foot prints on her white carpet. OK, back porch, shoes off…ok then we are gonna belly crawl to my parents room. It is important that we are quiet. Then I will open the door to my parents room. Then Craig, ok how drunk are you? Not too bad? Alright well then you belly crawl to my mom’s dresser…first one on the left. Go to the first drawer on the right side and my cell phone should be in there. What about the dog? Crap I forgot about the dog. Alright change of plan. You guys get Marcus to walk everyone home. There is no getting past that damn dog. He will wake the whole house up as soon as he hears the back door open. No I am sure that I will probably get in trouble. Crap. How drunk do I look? No, seriously. Do you think I can act sober. Alright let me practice. Hi mom, nope we were just playing video games. Drinking? Who me? Guys where are you going? Some friends you are. I hope you all get caught. Crap. Alright might as well get this over with.
Joe stumbles inside.