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Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Nipping It In The Bud

My friend, Emma, from Me the Man and The Baby asked an interesting question yesterday on her blog. It is actually a question that is very close to my heart. It is a question about discipline. She asked at what age should we start disciplining our children?

Emma's child is just over a year old. He is not quite a toddler, but not an infant. He lately has been using slapping as a way to express his emotions. At what point do we nip this in the bud? What do children at this age actually understand? My stance is at this age children are just learning to understand cause and effect. They may not have a complete grasp of the concept (heck, I know adults who STILL don't grasp it) but they know enough to get by. Therefore they are ripe for the beginnings of discipline.

When discipline is mentioned a lot of people, especially when the children are young, get a little overly sensitive. Discipline doesn't have to have a negative connotation. Discipline can be done lovingly. In fact children crave boundaries.

When a child is on the verge of being a toddler the most effective discipline is redirection. An example would be for a mother to catch the child's hand before they smack and saying "No, that hurts", and then redirecting them towards an appropriate activity. One step further is putting the child down in a safe spot and walking away for a few moments. Cause smack, effect mom put me down for a minute. At this age the concept will sink in after a few (maybe a lot) of repetitions.

When the child reaches the age of two a naughty step can become an acceptable form of discipline. I highly recommend this when correctly enforced. Think SupperNanny. A warning, then the naughty step, then they have to explain why they were in time out to you, they need to give some form of apology, and then cuddles. My children came to find that the naughty step could happen anywhere, even in public (you should have seen their faces when they got time out next to the coke machines at the mall). It worked though. I think the key is to be clear, be concise, and be consistent (even I have trouble with consistency though).

At the age of 5 time out no longer worked for LaLa so I have once again changed my tactics. This is a Dr. Phil form of discipline. Now, Dr. Phil as far as I am concerned is full of a lot of bull crap, but this actually works. I found her currency. What item does she crave more than anything else. Once I found that currency I knew that I could use it as leverage. An example of this is "If you don't do A then B will be taken away for an hour/a day/a week/until you earn it back" and it works. Once again be clear, be concise, be consistent.

Now, I am not an expert; I don't claim to be one. I just know what has worked for my family. Let me tell you, the best reward as a parent (next to cuddles and kisses) is having a stranger tell you how well behaved your children are in public. It makes all the hard work worth it, and it is HARD work.

Comments (20)

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You don't like Dr. Phil???? Aw well-I still like you.
Yes, absolutely right I reckon. And the main key, through out all of this, is being consistent. Kiddos thrive on familiarity, and at least there won't be any confusion when they know exactly what to expect.

It sounds a bit tough love, but they will always love you (especially when they do the cuddles thing after) and like you (Kat) have said, the greatest reward indeed is other people saying how great your kids are. DEFINITELY. :D
xx
And when they get even older you just ask them what they think you're about to say. They always know when they've broken the rules and if the "consequences" are reasonable, they often take it on the chin.
The one thing I really hate to see is a punishment that's far too severe for the crime and about which there has been no warning at all - "Right, that's it, you're going to bed without supper" type crap. Gives the child no chance to stop the behavious first.
I've been a lurker for sometime now but just had to comment on this post. I am the mother of 4 children - one married and a parent, 2 in college and the youngest a junior in high school. Discipline starts early and continues through college - in this house it has always been cause and effect. As in: Here are the rules. If you do A. This happens. If you CHOOSE to do B, this happens. Simple as that. Good Behavior, as well as Bad behavior are choices that my children got to make - but the consequences of those choices were mine to make. Kids will generally chose the good over the bad when they know the (fair) rules of the house.

Your children will be better adults, happier, well adjusted with good social skills and job skills if you start early and be consistent. I think your advice is right on.

And why would you not call yourself an expert? Mothers ARE experts when it comes to their own children!
Spot on. I've had some success with that technique. And it is hard work :) but worth it.
Good post. And Dr. Phil is so full of baloney, I agree.
I'm bit of an old school Mum and gentle 'don't do that' discipline/distraction started pretty much as soon as she could walk at 6 months. At that age it's mostly so they don't hurt themselves. Then we moved onto time out when she was a toddler, naughty step never worked she just ran off. But I have to say she's a pretty good kid and doesn't need that much just a word and at very worst TV taken away for a day or two. I'm really lucky.
I was thinking about a post on discipline after seeing two young children being allowed to chase and terrorise ducks by the local pond this morning. I say 'being allowed' but their mum and grandma were totally ineffective in dealing with them. I agree with what you say. I introduce the naughty spot at about 18 months old, no they don't understand it or stay there but they register they've been naughty, that you've used a firm tone of voice and left them there and they don't like it. My two year old was on it this morning and is learning to stay there now. My four year old gets sent up to his room which he hates. Discipline is hard to get right and carry out, but it's very important. And you're right, you have to adapt it as they get older. In our day we were just smacked.
Nicely put. (And I certainly struggle with consistency too-especially when the hubs is away for work.)
This is a topic that has been on my mind QUITE a bit recently - my newly-one-year-old has started hitting, scratching and biting when she is frustrated... which seems to be ALL OF THE TIME. I started introducing some baby signs to help her express herself, and I ask her a LOT of questions ('are you hungry', 'do you need a hug', etc.) to try to give her an outlet to tell me what she wants/needs. This phase is EXHAUSTING.

I like your methods, Kat. They mirror my ideas, and I LOVE validation :-P
I remember informing my children that there was a naughty spot everywhere - even at GRANDMA'S! That really surprised them because they thought they could get away with anything at Grandma's.

I agree consistancy is key. The bummer is when your kids don't react the same way to the same type of discipline. I've got one who is devestated when you take something away and the other is devestated by isolation. It's particularly tough when they are in trouble for the same reason (fighting for example) and I feel like I'm dropping a double hammer - lose the object fought over AND sit on their beds . . .
Being firm and consistent to your son is part of discipline. It's tough love. Just hearing my son cries makes my heart melt. I'm struggling with that too and my husband is always at work.
Good post. I am with you on all of it (except the hating of Dr Phil--only because I dont really know much about him except for some connection with Oprah!).

I have a friend who is completely ineffective in disciplining her son, to the point where he is now (at 12) a really mean, self-centred child who I cant stand to be around. He treats her like crap and in fact he has been the reason she and I are hardly friends any more. I find it hard to believe she has been so short sighted--what may have seemed indulgent or 'making him happy' at one time is simply ruining his chances of having a happy life.
Great post! Spot on too! The 3 C's, and even after 22 years of this parenting gig, I still have to remind myself sometimes to be consistant!
Consistancy, consistancy, consistancy and no hollering at the kids. They have to learn no means no and yes can be maybe. Both your mom and auntie were so different and yes they did get their bottoms smacked on occasion but that was very rare. The punishment has to fit the crime and good behavior is always rewarded.

The greatest compliment a mother can receive is when her grown up child says to her," You were strict but I always knew you loved me." I wonder how much a parent loves a child and does not discipline them.The child grows up being so self-centered that no one wants to be around them.

Even though I did make you behave you still love me, don't you.

I still love you bunches and bunches.

Granny
If only the Dr Phil approach would work with TB. He loves playing on the xbox but taking it away just doesn't have the desired effect. He bitches like crazy but he'll still get up to old tricks.
I am a big fan of the naughty step and Chick is now 7!!! We also have a naughty step that can appear anywhere. I am fairly strict (in a good way I hope) as I want her to grow up well rounded, knowing right from wrong but also knowing her actions have consequences!! Well written Kat!
I must have missed whatever part of Dr. Phil's technique u guys don't like. Does he have something specific with kids that I missed? I know that there have been a few things for sure over the years that have made me rethink certain things in a good way.

Anyways-in the past few weeks I have gotten quite a few remarks of how lucky I am ,after I say may kids have done such and such around the house. Lucky my ass (pardon my language, oh forgot language is okay on this blog lol)

My kids know that they are part of the family unit and need to chip in. If that means cleaning, babysitting or grocery shopping they do.

It has gotten to a point when my son comes home from the army for a weekend he asks me what needs to be done. He is looking to be a contributor.

It is all about consistency and rules and love.

BTW-I would highly suggest Dave Ramsey's commission plan like he describes below: It has definitely taught my kids to understand all of what he talks about.

ANSWER: You should start teaching your kids about money as early as you start teaching them about sex, which is the first time they show any interest and have any questions. Don’t over-answer questions. Keep it age-appropriate. The point is that this is a process. If you have one talk with your kids about sex, you’re going to have pregnant teenagers. Teaching kids about sex is an ongoing process throughout the entire time they grow up. It’s not a one-time thing. It’s just part of life. Money is the same deal—as soon as they start thinking about it or talking about it.

No, I don’t like allowance. Allowance is like welfare. We put our kids on commission. You work, you get paid; you don’t work, you don’t get paid. We had chores associated with certain dollars, and when you worked, you got those dollars. Some of that money was put in an envelope that said “Saving.” Some of that money was put in an envelope that said “Giving.” Some of that money was put in an envelope that said “Spending.” We taught them to do each wisely—saving, spending, and giving.

You teach them four major goals by the time they’re 10, or you’ve got a problem already when it comes to money. That’s giving, saving, spending, and work. They need to emotionally connect work to money. I meet 54-year-olds who have still not made that connection.

Kat-hope it's okay this was so long-if not just delete it.
We have started using 'no' with Babygirl already (she's 9 months) and already she seems to understand that there are some things she just shouldn't do

I think its about consistency, children like to know where the boundaries are and whilst they'll test them all the time keeping them in the same place makes them feel safer
Yes, it is incredibly hard work and yet so rewarding when the little buggers act correctly on their own and strangers tell you that they are great!!!

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