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Thursday, November 20, 2008

Tofurkey, Anyone?

Hey everyone! Lets give a warm welcome to the Sassy Mama Lola from Sassy Mama Says...This chick is one of my first readers and a top notch blogger. I give her crap because she is a liberal, she gives it right back to me for being a conservative. It is all fun and games between friends and we can agree to disagree. Isn't that what this world is all about anyway? Having differences and learning to appreciate them and get past them to form friendships? I think that is what is great about this country. Ok off my soapbox! Everyone show Lola some love.

It's that time of year again, and the Great Turkey Debate is in full
swing. My mother volunteered to do Thanksgiving this year, since
we're going to Florida right before the holiday, and I REALLY wanted
to take her up on her generous offer, but...

It will be stressful for me to do it, but I have to. I'm not about to
let my 73-year old mother take on the huge task of cooking and baking
for 12 people. It's way too much work, and she's paid her
Thanksgiving dues already. My sister and brother don't seem to mind
who does it, as long as it's not them, so it will be my job once
again. The aforementioned brother and sister also refuse to go out
for Thanksgiving dinner again, which my mother and I have both
suggested, and they can't seem to contribute anything other than
store-bought pies. I'm not bitter; I'm just used to it.

This has been going on for years, and I end up doing it, along with
every other holiday and special occasion. Since I love to cook and
throw parties, I actually enjoy being the hostess; that is, except for
Thanksgiving day. It used to be one of my favorite days of the year
when I lived at home. I loved to help my mother peel the squash and
apples for the pies and set the table and spend the day with family.
Once we moved into our house, I couldn't wait to host our first turkey
day. I was so excited. I did all the shopping, had the table set and
all the fixins ready to go. I just had to get the turkey in the

This is when I discovered my hatred of turkey or at least uncooked
turkey. I love me some fully-cooked turkey as long as someone else is
doing the cooking, but that Thanksgiving day when I was pulling the
fresh turkey's internal organs out of its butt, touching the bumps
where the feathers once were and seeing a couple stragglers that they
didn't pluck while I washed its slimy, whitish-pink skin, I was
gagging. I had no idea what my mother had endured all those years. I
was so disgusted that I screamed for my husband to finish the job.

Being such a great guy, he finished cleaning it and got it in the pan
and then the oven. I thought I was safe, but the smell of the flesh
cooking made me sick all day long. When that baby came out of the
oven all brown and pretty, just the way I like it, I couldn't eat a
bite. Since that Thursday in 1994, almost every turkey day has made
me ill. I can't eat it if I clean it or smell it cooking. We went
out to eat one year, deep fried one outside another year, had my
mother cook it at her house, but it was not close to done when she
brought it down. Nothing seems to make it easier.

So, this year, I'm going to change it up. It might be an Italian
Thanksgiving or we might have chicken breasts on the grill or maybe
even tofurkey. I'd rather enjoy the day with my family than stress
over cooking a 20-pound bird and keeping everything else warm. It's
time for some new traditions for this family, and I've just got to
decide what they will be. If my siblings don't like it, they can do
it next year.

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving, especially you and
yours, Kat! Good luck across the pond, my friend.


Badass Geek said...

Tofurkey? Please, in the name of all that is righteous and good, NO.


Mama Dawg said...

I'm all for "if people don't like it then they can do it next time". That's my attitude.

Lola said...

Badass: I don't think I've ever even seen tofurkey, but I bet it smells. I just like the name. Makes me giggle.

Mama: I've already let them know that they get what they get this year. They won't complain, but they won't lift a finger to help either. My mother likes the Italian idea, and so do I. Turkey meatballs, maybe.

Anonymous said...

I haven't tried tofurky yet, but I hear good things. I usually get some vegetarian "turkey" slices and make a vegetarian dressing. Mmmm...sounds so good.

zipbagofbones said...

Is it weird that I get a really primal sense of satisfaction from pulling the guts out from a turkey's butt? Yeah, don't answer that. My therapist and I...we already know. Good for you, take the meal into your own hands and make it yours sista!

Lola said...

Honey: I'm 95% vegetarian just by nature, salivate over veggies like most people drool over a steak, but vegetarian "turkey" or tofurkey, not so sure I could go there unless I was on Fear Factor.

Cat: Not weird if it's primal. Could it have something to do with your name? My pretty kitties love to rip the guts out of mice all night long this time of year. They just can't seem to help themselves...

Anonymous said...

Hmm! Seems to me you're pretty good at re-arranging the entrails of the occasional bird...that may inappropriately make an entrance on your property whilst flashing its' bare backside.

You go girl, pluck those feathers!

Expat No. 3699 said...

I think I'd opt to purchase a fully cooked bird from a local grocer or restaurant...or Italian sounds good.

Cleaning and cooking a turkey doesn't bother me at all. In fact we name our turkey every year!

Anonymous said...

You're making me think of something that I'm sure others have heard of, but like to think was created by a bored hillbilly:
TURDUCKEN. Say it slowly with me now...Tur-Duck-En. That's right, a turkey stuffed with a duck stuffed with chicken.
Oh...and I think we're having shrimp this year.

Lola said...

Splodge: Hehehe! Don't you try ruffling my feathers today, Missy. I'm pretty sure you were the one that got me fired up yesterday, and we know what happened next ;)

I'm trying to be a zen blogstress today, no brawls, even if that one shows up again. Deep breaths now, ohmmmmm, ohmmmmm...

3699: We tried the fully-cooked restaurant bird one year, but it was so dry that it was a waste of money. I'm looking into Whole Foods, since I love the big turkey slices I buy there, and they're just cut from whole turkeys that they cook.

Either that or the fried turkey if my husband will clean the nasty thing and stand out in the cold while it cooks. Kind of dangerous, but quite delicious that way.

Mongo: Yeah, turducken not gonna happen around here. It's bad enough pulling parts out of one bird. There's no way I'm stuffing other kinds of birds that need to be cleaned back into each other. I just know I'd pass out trying to do that.

Unknown said...

Tofurkey is just wrong. Do anything else but stay away from the evil that is tofu.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, that turducken thing? I can only handle so much... Oh, I'm just not gonna say it.

Anonymous said...

Lover Lola, I am WITH you sister girlfriend!! I hump me some veggies and I've always said if I had to hunt for my own food I'd like on bark and beetles or some shit. Cleaning animal carcass is quite possibly the sickest thing ever in the universe. I stick to the sides, MP goes all that guttin' shit. SO SICK!

My advice: Go Mexican! Turkey enchiladas are amazing! Hell, tofu scrambler stuff (in the frozen food section) with taco seasonings is sooooo good. Hell, if you're gonna go grill, you could do seafood or veggies or kabobs or any ol thing. Traditions are what you make of them, dear.

Anonymous said...

Hmmm...good idea! Cook a tofurkey for your lazy family and don't tell them it's not turkey......hahahahaha (evil laugh).

Me, You, or Ellie said...

Hey, my liberal friend. These times are all about change. (Yesssssss). It's the perfect time to change traditions.


Lola said...

Heinous: I actually like tofu under the right stir-fry circumstances, but turkey flavored tofu probably would make me vomit!

Mongo: I'm going to pretend that I have no idea what you're talking about for the sake of all of us ;)

Sass: That's why I love you, my dear! I don't think I could make a kill to save my life. I'd find some incredible new berry or some kind of grasshopper before I'd kill, gut and cook anything, EVER!

I am starting new traditions, and since I do all the work, they're just going to have to suck it up. They'll all survive, since they like my cooking. It's all about being together anyway.

Yaya: You're my kinda gal! Tofurkey scares me, though, so the lazy asses get what they get. It will be tasty, so they won't suffer one bit. I'd be happy if they just brought me a decent bottle of wine for my efforts.

Ellie: Oh, I like the way you think, fellow liberalien. I really, REALLY hope the times are-a-changin'. We've exposed the maggots, but now we've got to actually destroy them and get rid of all the greedy pigs that have brought this country to its knees.

If they fly on private jets while begging for money, off with their heads or if you don't want to go all King Henry on them, at least fire them instantly and take away their pensions. Golden parachute, my ass!

If they continue to take $500,000 junkets after our tax dollars bail them out, they must scrub toilets in prisons for 20 years, and we reposses everything they own.

Just ask Super Nanny - consequences go a loooong way when it comes to bad behavior, and this country needs to toughen up. Lolo to the rescue!!

Oh, Ellie, you really got me going there. I got a little dizzy and thought I was at my own house for a minute. Sorry, folks, kinda, sorta, maybe not at all...

overtly trite said...

we usually do a rib roast or leg of lamb and last year my husband grilled chicken. It drives my MIL cvrazy and she alwasy does a turkey at her house but we enjoy the variety. Um and tofurkey is immoral or illegal or just makes me ill

Lola said...

OT: That's what we're going to do, change things up. My sister will probably be the only one who cares about turkey, but if I tell her to do it, she'll quiet right down.