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Monday, May 23, 2011

An Explanation (about a bunch of things...)

Please excuse my disjointed thoughts. Yesterday I posted this picture for #SilentSunday. It was difficult to post. It was also difficult to find out about. Actually, thinking about it now brings tears to my eyes. On Friday night, The Man was laying in bed, and LaLa was next to him asleep. I went into the room and my husband showed me this scrap of paper that had been laying on his bedside table. The words "I don't want you to go" glaring up from the scrap of paper, burning a hole into my heart.

When my husband leaves, I am ok. I can cope. It is the toll it takes on my husband and children that I worry about. How many times can I tell them that it will be ok? How many times can I wipe away tears and give encouraging words? Well, here is the honest answer. I will do it without fail until I don't have to anymore. No, it isn't fair to me, but life isn't fair. Motherhood and being a military spouse doesn't take into account fairness. I will mend their hearts as often as needed. I will be their support.

So, when my husband let my daughter fall asleep next to him, to allow just a couple more hours near her daddy, I understood. I also understood how much his heart was hurting. It is a struggle for him each time he leaves. His heart is here with his family, but his duty takes him elsewhere. He takes absolutely no pleasure out of leaving his family, but he loves his job and country. He has a sense of duty that I admire. If you could see how he comforts the children before he leaves, explains why he has to go, and the internal struggle he goes through you would admire it as well.

I used to think that it was so much harder to have young children when a spouse was deployed, then my children grew up and learned to express their emotions. I never knew how good I had it during my first deployment when my kids were 18 mos old and 3 years old. I miss the good ol days. Things don't get easier, just more complicated.

This military life isn't easy, God knows, it isn't for everyone. Hell, in the beginning I wondered if I would survive it. Now though, I just pray my husband and kids are alright. I just hope I can do enough and be enough for them.

I just want everyone to know, I don't post these things for sympathy, the last thing I really want is sympathy, and I think most military wives would feel the same. I just want to give you an honest glimpse into military life.

I also want to thank my friends and family. Without the support system that I have, my life would be a million times harder than it is. It doesn't matter if it is just at text, facebook message, phone call, or the offer of a friendly ear, it is all so important to me. I really could not imagine not having you all in my life.

I also want to give Jay a big squishy blog hug. Just because.